He’s been known by many names throughout the centuries: Kris Kringle, Sinterklaas, Pere Noel, Santa Claus. He runs an organization with shadowy background operations nobody really understands, using a complex network of elves, worldwide storage facilities, and outsourced delivery services. Like every pioneer at the helm of a massive enterprise, even Santa endures constant skepticism – including allegations that huge multinational corporations now develop all of the new toys on the market. As if a bunch of suits in a boardroom could ever summon the childlike imagination required to pull that off. Ridiculous!
Kris’s International Delivery Service, Inc. (NYSE:KIDS) has faced intense competition from the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy for hundreds of years, forcing the company to up the ante with a generous benefits package to attract the best workers. Unfortunately, Elf-Care has now racked up massive unfunded liabilities, leaving Santa with no choice but to negotiate early retirement packages with a sizable percentage of his workforce. Even the Red Berets – that elite elfin task force hired for his protection – had to go. Don’t feel sorry for them – they’ve landed a sweet gig guarding that Keebler tree in an undisclosed forest. Cookies: that’s where the money is.
For a man who just celebrated his 1,744th birthday, Santa’s lookin’ pretty good. They say 1,700 is the new 1,200, but those late-night sleigh rides with Jack Frost nipping at his nose have really taken their toll. That’s why Santa has finally turned to outsourcing. Uber drivers are helping to meet the holiday surge, and you can use the app to schedule a convenient gift drop-off time. Thanks to modern technology, you’ll no longer deal with the nuisance of hoof prints, cookie crumbs, and spilt milk. Protect your fireplace tiles from careless landings – and keep soot off your carpet – by opting for front door delivery.
Of course, Big Red still delivers to many homes personally, but he’s a traditionalist. No fancy navigation systems for him – so don’t forget to leave the reindeer dust (oats and glitter) in a prominent location, or they’ll just zoom right past your house. Sprinkling the food on your lawn makes a huge mess, but serving it in a bucket allows for easy cleanup. Santa’s a sweet old guy, but he can get a little passive-aggressive when you forget his milk and cookies. Feasting on his favorite treats will keep him jolly, and ensure that he treads gently on your hardwood floors. Don’t forget to leave Santa a bar of soap, so he can wash all that chimney soot off his hands.
As your family looks forward to Santa’s visit, we hope you are surrounded by the magical wonder of the season, and that your heart is filled with joy and peace. Merry Christmas!